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Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped. 
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon
Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness
Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
WD-40 is an essential oil.
I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents 