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If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing. 
Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",
It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH.
There are times where you really do feel sorry for Squidward.
If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.
The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!
The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.
wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...
Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ...
if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.
realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.
sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.
No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.
You know it's been a good day when you take a shower just to change your PJs.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."
My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.
When I try to get the picture taken of me and my friends all nicely facing the camera, one person always blinks, another looks like a stroke victim and a third looks like she was just goosed. Come on girls, figure it out - smile and hold the pose.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.
Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.
At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible. 