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The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter. 
“The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.
So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.
Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.
Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.
Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out
One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.
The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.
Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years
The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.
The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone
I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again. 