Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.

   Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day...

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.

   I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!