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I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine. 
Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......
Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.
Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."
I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.
Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.
GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.
WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!
Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the $hit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awsome!!! 