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I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now. 
Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated
It's not that I hate you it's just...ok, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water. I would drink the water.
against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."
Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse
Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.
If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.
Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!
I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...
I can rise or shine...take your pick.
Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable
My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.
"No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners
I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Keeping your job is the new raise
If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀 