Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy.

   Before you judge people, make sure you're better than them, or at least you're not one of them.

   I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.