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What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish! 
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"
has no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.
Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.
I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.
I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.
The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.
Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.
What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.
Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”
In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...
What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick. 