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An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten." 
enjoying a nice bottle of vintage DayQuil '09. The texture is like honey, taste like crap with touch of lemon
Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??
Remember a few years ago when Jamie Foxx said Miley Cyrus would end up on a stripper pole and he had to apologize? I think everyone owes Jamie Foxx an apology.
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Don't act like you never waddled across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived
Did any bad guy in Scooby Doo actually commit a crime? I'm pretty sure wearing a silly mask and scaring people isn't illegal.
just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.
if I had to comment your status with "What happened?" and you reply "I don't even want to talk about it...", do you think maybe you should have kept it to yourself?
My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!
I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself. 