Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I wonder during the election for Pope, did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly "you are NOT the father"