Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport

   Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.

   My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking