Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.

   Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.

   I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...