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I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic. 
Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.
Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs
I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!
Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.
I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"
In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.
Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.
When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.
Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.
Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.
Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!
The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States. 