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When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with. 
What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.
$60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..
A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!
My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.
If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.
Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.
I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.
30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...
What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
Don't eat the green snow!!!
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places." 