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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day* 
I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...
Little known fact: BILL NYE is short for William New Years Eve
Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel
"The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.
An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.
Funny thing about folks in Daytona...they hardly ever go to their beach, and complain when other folks do.
I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR.
I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves
if I had a girlfriend I would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they'll just grow back stronger. 