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Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it..... 
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
Thank you, True Crime, for sayingthat was a reenactment. I was prettyupset your camera person didn’tstop that murder.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.
LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those
I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
Happy 35th, Atari 2600
Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...
I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!
Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!
Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604
You know you were raised catholic...if while watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you respond "And also with you" 