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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why? 
"Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."
There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature.
It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.
if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?
I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!
Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.
Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?
I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.
I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.
"Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.
Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water
Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.
When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline. 