Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo 
The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.
True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.
Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?
I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.
Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.
When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?
I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.
What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?
There is a thin line between hating a person’s behavior with hating the actual person.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time. 