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Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school 
We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....
Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.
.....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.
:) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.
I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?
Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long
When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something
Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.
For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.
I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"
Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin. 