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While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof ! 
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
When 50 cent got hungry... 58
“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.
Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again
Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??
My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you. 