Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."