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Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses. 
Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Whatever you do DO NOT look the bell ringers in the eye's...
How come some people always think they have to have the last text?
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their exs they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time.
Dear Mr. Ice Cream man: Please change your song.. That sh!t was played out in the 80's
I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)
If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.
Apologies to the vegatarians, My food poops on your food,
If you don't make time for those in your life that are important, then don't be surprised when one day they stop making time for you.....
while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.
dear grades, get well soon...
I don't trust girls with mustaches.
I got so drunk last night I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
"Vegeterian" is American Indian for 'Bad Hunter'
ever since watching the SNL skit, I can never hear BOC's "Don't Fear The Reaper" without thinking - "Man, that song could use some more cowbell!" 