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Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 
People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
I hope Gryffindor wins the World Cup.
Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"
The reverse side also has a reverse side?
I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?
There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook
Thinking that they need to change the name from child support to lifestyle support...
It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" which indicates that you do infact care. But if you "COULDN'T care less" that, my dear friend, is when you really don't give a sh*t.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."
When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.
hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.
the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?
It's so cold outside right now that angry drivers are flipping each other the mitten!
And as another Christmas ends my mind drifts and once again, I'm thinking like a six year old. Only 364 days to go.
The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though
got a leaflet asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the 3rd world......I laughed so hard...if they can fit into my clothes then they are not starving
Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.
who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp? 