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I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone. 
Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.
There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.
Don't spend your night watching porn and eating cheese balls
Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
damn mu gigantic thumbs on this litle blavkbetry keyborsd
statistically, you're twice as likely to be killed by a tipped vending machine than by a shark attack. which makes me wonder why there isn't a "vending machine week"
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.
dressed up feeling like a million bucks but I wish I wasn't so broke...
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt.
Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.
new carrier goal is going to become a professional zombie hunter.
It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Why won't facebook let me change my relationship status to "in an imaginary relationship with Milla Jovovich"?
Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.
Its Couples Week! Copy And Paste This With the Date When You Got Together! Well, since I'm single I think I'll just go have casual, no strings attached sex and not have deal with remembering about the date of it.
really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
While stepping over the broken bodies and blood spattered glass, my heart sank as I suddenly realized that the burrito shop was closed.
...this year in California, the most popular Halloween mask is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The great thing about it is: with a mouthful of candy, you'll sound just like him! 