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It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere 
Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.
When you see cupid,b!tch slap the little punk 4 me will ya!!!!!
Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....
optimist drowns in half full tub
When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!!
will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.
just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.
That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.
Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.
likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).
OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.
Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.
The cool little wooshy thing the cards do at the end always makes the hours I spend trying to win Solitare on the computer well worth it.
The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.
Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.
Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.
You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap. 