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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 
I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!
My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why
Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...
Error: Facebook status removed due to awesomeness overload
cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.
I am not saying the quality of adult entertainment has gone downhill around here but all the dancers here are wearing change belts!
Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!
I think instead of the "Poke" button on Facebook there should be "Punch in the Face" button.
How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?
Do you believe in hate at first site? Well it exists.
WORK is AWESOME!! It's the only way to get constantly screwed 5 days in a row without the fear of pregnancy or disease.. Just saying..
"The hardest part of the business is minding your own."
Just saw an advertisement for Farmville that said "Sheep breeding is here." Is there something going on in there that I should be concerned about?
Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.
I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins
always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just incase
Life was so much easier when girls had cooties!
All women are beautiful........UNTIL you enlarge their profile picture. 