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"Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day 
From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.
I wonder if Snoop Dogs favorite kind of weather is drizzle?
wondering how the Gore's will split the internet in their divorce.
If your not barefoot, you're overdressed...
You can watch things happen, you can make things happen, or you can wonder what just happened." ~ Phil Harris RIP
Can everyone just go n help get all the water out of BP's oil!! Thanx!!
Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.
Facebook should have a ”no one cares” button
I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.
Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.
thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"
Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.
If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.
thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.
If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.
Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.
You will never understand people, just understand that.
Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend. 