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So with this Malaysian Airliner thing, I'm leaning towards the Abducted by Aliens theory. 
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...
One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.
i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!
seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!
It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.
Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam
Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."
If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable...you disconnect yourself from what you truly want...and all that is left is a compromise...
Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date
Iphone has just patented anti sexting software..brett favre your going to want to get a DROID
he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Spiders are "just bugs"? Oh then I guess king kong is "just a monkey" huh pal? You kill it!!!!
I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.
New Year's Eve: Where old acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive!
Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip 