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I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances 
My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.
Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!
I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase
Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.
I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.
You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar
friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.
So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?
Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet
If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work. 