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I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid? 
They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)
now that the Chilean miners are out... any chance we can put the Jersey Shore cast in?
An elephant to a naked man 'how do you breath through that thing'
thanks dad for not pulling out.! Happy fathers day!!
Gas prices are soaring and inflation around the corner, but thank God their are no offensive tweets.
Never apologize for expressing how you feel, Its like saying you're sorry for being real
I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.
I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.
I consider anyone who doesn't like bacon a terrorist.
You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think.
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego
Me seek revenge? Nah, I'm too lazy. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma get you.
People think the pile of bodies outside my door is a Halloween decoration, it isn't. I've plugged the doorbell into the mains.
Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.
I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".
Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.
I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.
Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you. 