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Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it. 
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.
These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs. 