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I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed... 
Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.
It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.
One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head
Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.
What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.
Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"
Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...
Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.
come on folks.... bring on the funnies
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.
Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.
Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS. 