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Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup... 
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.
Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"
Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...
Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid
Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.
come on folks.... bring on the funnies
"Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time. 