Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder. 
Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.
The awkard moment when your names is also Casey Anthony, and you log into facebook just to find that all of your frineds want you to burn in hell..
Im tryin to beat The Heat like Dirk Nowitzki.
Please don't make me go all CAPS LOCK on your a$$.
Whenever I see a really hot girl I know is out of my league, I just console myself by thinking to myself 'Some guy somewhere is probably tired of her sh*t'
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.
nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.
I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.
Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes.
I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.
If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up
I'm REALLY good in bed...I stay on my side and I rearly steal all the covers
Bob Barker turned 88 this week , what did he get for his birthday? " A NEW CAR !!!"
My girlfriend said I should get the same hairstyle as Justin Bieber. So I shaved off my pubic hair.
When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me" reply with "That's the point"
When a serial killer sees their victim is getting away, they should just shout"you're on scare tactics!" and then catch up and shank them.
Okay...Who else keeps clicking the "Help Center" tab instead of "Log Out"? Facebook's just keeping us on our toes, and driving us out of our minds.
My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri
to the lady smoking a cig. with the windows rolled up, kids in the back seat: need I say anymore 