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Dear Netflix, Thanks for all the great movies but can you please stop adding one's about pandemics as I'm fully capable of turning on the news. Thanks! 
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.
The 11th Commandment:...Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor
Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.
People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .
Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.
The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet
I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Hate is too powerful an emotion
to waste on somebody
you don't even like.
So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.
"I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood
It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.
You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days
I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me. 