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This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.. 
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges
I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"
Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...
Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?
Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.
My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.
I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote. 