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Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?? 
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.
If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?
I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.
Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
Decaf is the handjob of coffee.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.
Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?
In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo
My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life. 