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"i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse 
Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again. 