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I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house! 
For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns
What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.
Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.
Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.
It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires
Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!
Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.
"I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."
Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...
I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.
.I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat. 