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Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!” 
Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.
I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?
If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.
Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision
1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.
A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...
I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!
Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.
My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.
I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔
Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.
Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.
If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years. 