Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.