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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer 
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
[first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.
I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.
Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?
I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF. 