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Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids. 
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody's pants.
I swear some women are more psyched about GETTING married than BEING married
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Just Donated blood..I hope whoever gets it likes wine. 🍷
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.
I'd rather shower with my parents than go shopping on Black Friday...
I'm beginning to understand why Ukraine vacation packages are being steeply discounted...
well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to
I'm going to deliberately run into a car with a Coexist bumper sticker just to test their tolerance.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.
"Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.
Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station. 