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I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap. 
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?
My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.
Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.
In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
You had me at “we have a warrant”
I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.
She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.
Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that. 