Funny Status Messages

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

   can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

   Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.