Funny Status Messages

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.