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Some play hard to get, I play hard to want 
BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.
Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..
I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.
I wish I could run away from my problems like Mayweather did.
Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?
Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.
How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...
My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said "You'll do" instead of "I do." My wife is not speaking to me.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
Today, I'm really gonna give it my nothing 