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what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's 
accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who told me he was NOT happy. I said, "which one are you then?"
Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."
How do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.
If I'm ever in an accident while driving and updating my status and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Post."
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.
You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.
Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?
The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something
So NBC has signed an agreement to remake 'The Munsters.' Don't we already have a show about a family of clueless monsters? I think it's called 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.
A little girl asked her mom "Mom, are we getting pet lizard?" "Why?" the mom asked. "Cause I heard dad say he had reptile dysfunction."
Dear old love, I used to think I had a really low sex drive. Now I realize it was just that I wasn't really attracted to you.
Why do fellas use a condom on a chick the first time or two, but then just start going raw thereafter like STDs have a trial period? 