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All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta. 
I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.
Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.
I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.
If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers 