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father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father. 
so they asked Paula Deen if she ever said the "N" word.....i dont think she's ever used "nonfat"
Go on, drink your coffee like you have something important to do today.
new weight loss plan: eating pasta and then antipasta.
I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
It's Friday night and you're sitting at home on Facebook? HAHAHAHAHAHA same
Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”
The only thing more ridiculous than Lindsay Lohan's antics, are those who are obsessed with them.
To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.
Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.
Never underestimate my ability to make things weird for everyone involved.
My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.
Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'
you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.
Out of all your lies I love you was my favorite. 